Rich Glanzer

May 2010

Even though the Elves finished the 2008 season a dismal 1-17-1, I don’t think I’ve ever been so anxious for a season to start.  I wasn’t the captain, but I had pull with the Big Guy (our captain Ben who is 6’8’) and I convinced him to implement an Evil Elves Council which would pretty much cut seven or so of the players on our roster.

We went to the bar on a cold January night with venom in our hearts.  I would have cut my own mother that night.  A teammate’s name came up and I immediately yelled, “CUT!!!”  I was Trump and my teammates were Apprentice wannabes.  I would have fired them all if they let me.

Okay, that’s not exactly true, but there was plenty of blood on my hands.  While 90 percent of the cuts I was cool with, there were two players I wanted to keep but couldn’t.  But overall it was a great night, and March 29, Opening Day, couldn’t come soon enough.

 You see, my team was the laughingstock of the league.  The two “media members” on the league website, www.btsh.org, constantly made fun of our talent, our lime green shirts and just our general being.

Finally it was March 29 and I was ready.  We played one of the better teams in the league, the Denim Demons.  It was a very hard fought game.  We scored the first goal!  During our 19 games the previous season, I think we had the lead two, maybe three or four times.  But alas, we ended up losing a very, very hard 3-2 game. 

I remember the scene at the bar.  People would come up to me and congratulate me for losing such a close game instead of losing 7-0.  I remember strangling and killing each and every one of them.*  (*= Please do not arrest me NYPD, because that never really happened).

But one comment really stuck.  It was my friend Abby from the Demons.  She said, “Oh I’m sure you’ll beat some of the worst teams like Mexican Standoff.”  I’m not a girl, but I hear girls give amazing “dirty looks.”  Well like I said, I ain’t no girl, but I must have made my 15-year-old niece Alyssa proud, because the look I gave Abby probably exploded that volcano that is causing mass hysteria in Iceland.

The next two weeks weren’t much fun as we went against the pink-wearing Dark Rainbows.  Once again, we were in the game against a very good team but ended up losing 2-1.  A week later we were a little shorthanded and got killed 6-1. 

This was turning into a very long season, and I was getting very very frustrated.

It was now April 26, 2009.  The Elves were going against the Unicorns.  The Unicorns are one of the better teams in BTSH, but not one of the “stalwarts” of the league.  In other words, they were beatable.

I was excited as I arrived at Tomkins Square Park.  I looked at our team, I looked at their team and I knew this horrid, putrid, losing streak would end.  We quickly made it 1-0, and then the refs quickly made it 0-0.  They said we touched their goalie and took away our goal.  GRRRRRR.

But we would not be deterred on this day.  We scored again to make it 1-0.  We kept pounding their goalie.  It should have been 8-0 but their goalie Craig stood on his freaking head.  But it didn’t matter.  We scored two more goals and were up 3-0. 

I remember being out there with two minutes left thinking, “WE ARE GOING TO WIN!!!”  But God would smite us and they scored four unanswered….no they didn’t!!!  We ended up winning 3-0 and it was one of the most satisfying victories of my life. 

I remember so many people commenting on my smile.  Yeah it’s a fun beer league, but sorry, it’s not that fun if you lose ALL the time.  The beer tasted a little better than it had the previous 378 days since our last victory. 

But now that we had won our first game in more than a year, would there be anymore to come? 

Part 3 next month. (But here’s a hint, I probably wouldn’t write about it if there wasn’t more wins somewhere!)